So many shows these days depict rape. I had no idea what my body was meant for or how it should be treated. I didn’t realize how many times I was raped until these shows came out. I guess I can love and hate society for that. I’ve been raped 12 times. This is my interpretation of rape of course but this is an open letter to you. The guy who didn’t listen to me when I said no.

I woke up so many times without my underwear on wondering what happened with only a vague, very vague memory of talking to you at a party. I was up in Binghamton visiting an ex from high school and I drank way too much and was left a lone. The next morning, I woke up not a CLUE where I was without my underwear on. I remember waking up asking where the guy went and the guy in the room didn’t even know who he was.

How could I put myself in that position? Why did I let you take over my power?

I was powerless. I was completely powerless. I hate remembering those moments. Maybe that’s why I drink, to forget them. Not confront them in shame. I’m ashamed of how you made me feel. I’m ashamed of how you made me think of myself and my body.

No one ever told me my body was special growing up so i used it. I used it to get the attention I didn’t get from my father. I used it to cover up the fact that I hated being treated poorly but being treated poorly was all I knew.

I’m afraid of my bed because of the acts I committed in it. I sexted with guys I never met, I had sex with guys I met that day, guys who I said no to, guys who kept pushing.

This is to you, you pathetic individuals who i said no to and you didn’t stop. I wish you stopped, I wish you realized how much harm you were doing my body. How many nights I would drink away the pain only to wake up to the reality that it was still there. This is to you, the guy who lied to me, the guy who said he lived here though he didn’t, the guy who said he had a great job but was in limbo, the guy who said he cared about me but didn’t. Even my friend raped me. Rape is a terrifying word. It’s harsh and mean and scary. It’s a very REAL word.

I make this promise to my future family, I will tell you each and every day how important you are and how important your body is and your mind and how you should never be treated without respect. I will teach you to have control and understand self worth. I will teach you to say no and mean it and have the recipient understand it. I hate that I’m 31 and feel this way. I’m ashamed of my scars, i’m ashamed of the ticks on my headboard. I don’t want people to know.

No one knows who I am but at least I’m telling someone. I’m telling someone, I didn’t need to put myself in that position time and time again. I didn’t need to give someone my body when I wasn’t ready. I didn’t need to get yelled at for saying I wasn’t ready or for being a tease. I don’t need you and I don’t need your memories haunting me. I have self worth, a whole LOT of it. I have self love. I will overcome this one day. But I also know that the hate and my anger comes from the lack of communication about it.

I’m terrified of being judged. I’m scared of being made fun of. I know family and friends love you, but why would I do that to myself. Why would I do something for their enjoyment. I didn’t even realize what an orgasm was until I turned 30 and with the man I know I’ll spend the rest of my life with.

So wait, wait for the right person, wait for the person who will make you feel special and loved and wanted. Wait for the person who will respect you. You are more than a one night stand. You are more than their lack of self control. They knew what they were doing was wrong, and I’m sure they lay awake thinking the same thing.

It’s a scary world out there. Alcohol makes it go away for me, sometimes. Then I see a show and I’m wrapped right back up into it. All over again, the images flash through my mind, the scenes run through my brain – I see them all over again and I just want to cry. I won’t say I won’t cry again, I’m sure I will. What you did hurt me. Far deeper than my self harm would ever amount to.

I said no to you. I kept saying no. I was passed out. You should have stopped.

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