My roommates decided spring break meant Cancun. I had no money, let alone money to go on this vacation. I begged and pleaded with my parents and they offered to “loan” me the money to go. I was an idiot. I should never have gone on this trip. In preparation for this trip, I was inundated with pictures of skinny girls and signs on the fridge saying “Don’t eat”. I didn’t eat. And then I ate and then I threw up. I was suggested to purge when I was a sophomore in college. That was the end of me. I was obsessive about it. I had a serious problem. I’d eat, then throw up then eat then throw up. The throwing up was so often it started to hurt so I decided to force myself to walk to the store about 2 miles away to get candy to chew and spit back out, no more swallowing. I’d eat just the broth of soup, ate a 1/4 cup of cereal once to show I ate dinner with only a splash of milk. The hunger led to lack of sleep so I started taking sleeping medicine, advil PM. I had no pain, just wanted to sleep. I couldn’t sleep without it. I was home one time and my mom pointed out seeing my hips – I tried to deny it but about a month later I was walking back to my apartment and I called my mom and told her I had a problem. I was diagnosed with acute depression which led to me binging and purging. I remember stepping on the scale at home, I was 96 pounds. I couldn’t lie to myself anymore and no one could say anything besides me.

I felt better for telling my parents, it wasn’t a secret anymore. People knew. The therapist didn’t help at all. I was in a horrendous relationship and lied to my ex about what the therapist said to try to get out of it. I never ever told the real story. I used it as a means of control. Little did I know how that addiction habit is still in my life. A habit I still can’t seem to break.

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